Sunday 25 January 2009

shoulda been left alone to continue my own development, but no. i had to leave the womb,leave the house, leave the shadow of familiarity. exposure to the differences.have you ever looked at someone elses gig and thought to yrself, "now there's talent"?
it's difficult to trust anything anymore. i see why man invented money. it doesnt lie.a dollar is a dollar.
so...hmmmmm. i went to eyedrum last night for first thursdays music improv. and now im home crunching letters for a few before i split for a jolly day at work. i stayed up too late. hangin' out. not even capable of the first notion of playing an instrument. found myself being interviewed about eyedrum. its 10th anniversary coming up. i wonder how varied the responses the interviewers are getting.
creeping around questions with an honesty that doesnt really know anything. there's nothing to define. it's whatever you want it to be, i suppose. one is allowed to quote, be themselves, unquote, in the strictest and loosest sense. in the most apathetic as well as passionate sense. there's no judgment in that regard, but i say there is. it's about development of yrself and if you wanna go lie to yrself, knock yrself out.nobody is gonna judge you. they'll support you. and be just like any other human being you know when it comes to finding who you are around who or what. or what you say or what you think. it's about community and sharing. the people are left to their own devices to fill in the gaps that build the structure. and those gaps shift and change,but as you know, you might observe over a period of decades, they stay essentially the same regardless.timeless faces.timeless models that when supplied,the rest generates itself. the specifics do not matter,but those very things are what equal it as loving. there it is again. that duality. individuality, but a generality of mankind.
i think, as my own duty goes, if i care about eyedrum, if i figured that you could taint and deface a good thing, it would be in my best interest to be objective and excuse myself.to be an admirer.but silent, because those associations spread. to say there is no judgment is strange. that relies on some idea of an audience. if the audience is a wide dispersed subdued cloud of ourselves, then who cares? its just us. these just us and these just us. these just us and these just us.
personally, i feel i dont have any talent. just a will to be. talk about self important delusions. one reeks of sense of self. years of cultural influence reveal themselves to all on some quite subtle level. it comes out in words and body language and actions. i have a warped sensation of myself and why to share. but i enjoy it more. more than folks who just wanna use it as yet another place to further their gig. which,oh shit, in all reality, thats the more respectable route. removes the individual from their art. the individual comes out in the art. it's about the art. what does "further their gig" mean? where do broke down broke folks who find their only place in life, find themselves and realize inspite of all other factors,their place is to make art.do they go back to the ralizing they are broke and inspire from there? with a will to texplore the existing challenges of life. the rejections and lack of acceptance..is there a place to escape this? or what? where do they go? what do they do to support themselves and who do they... blame? whats helpful to them? what would be the helpful thing for others to do for them? tell them what they want to hear? give to them?
why am i thinking about all of this..analysis of analysis with a dull mirrored blade. i fear i have a virus that kills art. i fear and hesitate.
i sense the pace of your voice. the faltering and the moment of processing. i sometimes here it smooth out and relax and i want to blend to that.it sounds almost like a different buried reality that is evoked during certain situations.around certain people,certain artists. then i wonder about my intentions. then i realize they dont really matter. i hear myself and want to cry cuz i cant focus on the right thing. always elsewhere in the now. and its cuz its what feels right,even though it pays for itself later. theres always later.and that later is another now to be there. the rest is emptiness and anxiety. waiting for something to happen. even if it is something bad. at least something new happened. god forbid you find the will to create change of yr own accord. i see and hear myself. if there was ever anyone who was more full of shit, i don't know who it was.

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